Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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