I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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