They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
