Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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