my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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