why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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