YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
