Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
