I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
