uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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