You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
