I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
