best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
