I CAN MOONWALK!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
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