dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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