you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
