If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
im six kinds of drunk right now
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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