i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
