At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
