i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Let's get the cat blown out
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
