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I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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