I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
