Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
