Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
