Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
