Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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