I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
