dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
