o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
