Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
