If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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