Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
