and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
