Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
