I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
