i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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