you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
