I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
