Already got asked if we're dating
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
