i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your cock deserves a montage
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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