U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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