We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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