I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
