Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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