I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
