i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
