i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
