here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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