Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
