I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
