my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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